I am leaning against the wall of the beautiful apartment block in Barcelona in Spring 2009, waiting for my first ever therapy session. I have been in the city for about 6 months and feel alone, depressed and a little ashamed of my feelings. I should be having the time of my life, after all I’m in the prime of it, and in one of Europe’s grandest cities. I should not be struggling, be missing home, feel so alone. So many shoulds. So much self-recrimination. I have never considered therapy, it has come to me as a suggestion from my partner. Within my doubt, fear and confusion there is a tingle of excitement that I feel in my chest. I am craving contact. I am waiting to meet Jane, a Gestalt therapist from Sheffield, (I have no idea what Gestalt means), but I know that I am looking forward to meeting her. How strange but wonderful I think that two folks from Yorkshire are meeting for a therapy session in Barcelona.
I know something is wrong for me but have no idea what to do. Since I have lived here I have become withdrawn in social situations, lacking confidence in my ability to communicate in Spanish. I become silent in groups, filling full of pressure and embarrassment. Not entirely new feelings, but ramped up to an unknown level in this new context so much so that I am becoming reluctant to socialise. I need help and support. Luckily for me, the Spanish are not backward in coming forward about suggesting therapy. Things are different at this time in Britain. I am quite happy to be referred. Somewhere deep down I know I am taking a lifetime of stuff to this first session.
I look at the passers by for an English looking face and as one approaches, she puts her hand ever so gently upon my shoulder and says ‘’hi Paul’’ and opens the door. I immediately feel at ease. We climb up the beautiful staircase to the therapy rooms of wonderful tiled floors and hints of smells of essential oils. Meeting Jane, a wonderful person and inspirational therapist, slowly and surely changes my life. We continue to meet as two people, horizontally, no hierarchy is established. Ever. She sings from her balcony. I paint canvases in the spare room at home.
Jane is the one who introduces me to the world of psychotherapy and mental health, one where my experience of the here and now is validated, is taken seriously. She holds the ground, she challenges at times but essentially never renders invalid or deflects away from how I am with her. She has no fixed objective, she journeys alongside me at all times. She is probably the first person who really encourages me to be aware of me, in relation to my environment, in the moment. Such a beautiful gift. No ought to-ing, or deflecting or don’t be thinking that way, just how I am in this moment. And we do a lot of work through shame and trauma. When I want to.
That was there and then and this is here and now. I have completed and am completing a lot of relational psychotherapy training which I adore. Am I a fixed person? One never triggered or sad? Do I always get it right? Do I not feel shame any more? Like hell. Sometimes I feel a slave to my dreams! But that’s okay. The difference is now that I am aware of my process, my tendencies and enduring relational themes. In that awareness of how those things play out in the here and now I allow myself to feel and validate my experience for myself. In doing so I feel like a person in touch with myself and ultimately one with more agency. I also feel much more in tune with others which allows me to support, to be intuitive and co-create some beautiful moments. To look to meet my needs and the needs of others. Rarely now do I suffer alone if I do not want to be alone like I did in the past. I ask for support. And I know it is okay to be vulnerable and to share that vulnerability. Holistically speaking, I feel much more comfortable with myself than I did in 2009. By being aware of my tendency to beat myself up, I do it less. This is the paradox of change.
Your therapy sessions with me will work towards you building awareness of you and staying in touch with you. You exploring what is authentically you with me and beyond. This excites me now as I am writing. I do not pre-configure ground, have fixed objectives or diagnose. I will be habitually spontaneous, down to earth, grounding and creative with you. Theoretical if you ask me. We are always works in progress. There will always be change, ups and downs. By being aware of how we are, we ultimately learn who we are which is a beautifully unending journey in itself. And this in my opinion leads to a better sense of fulfilment for you.
I’d love to hear from you so please get in touch with me if you have any further questions. Find out more about what I offer here.
07896243463
bramley_paul@yahoo.co.uk